“I don’t want to have to let go in order for him to come around,” I think to myself as I walk somberly down the street toward the grocery store. It’s been over a year of a slow-burning connection where I’ve been hopeful for more. But despite my patience, our declarations of adoration, and my heart being wide open, romance just isn’t happening between us. He doesn’t want what I want. And it stings.
As I walk, I feel the resentment creeping in. I’m a “good” woman, I argue with myself. What’s wrong with him? As my mind starts to spiral into its dirty laundry list of reasons he’s bad and wrong, the familiar frustration rises. How many times have I given so much of my heart, my time, my love, only to not have it returned in the way I hoped?
The heat rises in my face, pulling me back into my body. I stop and take a deep breath. I don’t want my thoughts to carry me away. I want to feel only love and respect for him, because I know how resentment drags me down, and how respect sets me free.
So I return to the thought: I don’t want to have to let go in order for him to come around. I turn it over like a stone in my hand, holding it up to the light. I don’t want to let go… I don’t want to let go. And then the truth sets in. It isn’t about him at all. It’s not about games, and it’s certainly not about trying to force an outcome. I don’t want to wave the white flag of surrender. I’m afraid of what happens if I stop trying so hard. Afraid of losing this “chance at love.”
The reality is, I’ve been clinging to a vision of love with this man that’s different from what’s actually here. By refusing to accept reality, I’ve been slowly chipping away at love and filling the gaps with resentment. In holding on so tightly, I haven’t respected what’s here. Instead, I’ve smothered it.So I close my eyes, place a hand over my heart, and remind myself, as I’ve done many times before: It’s safe to let go. And then I start walking again… Not just toward the grocery store, but out of the dark street of resentment and back into the light of respect.
Missed the intro post on Slow Dating? Read it here.
What Is Respect Over Resentment in Slow Dating?
Respect in slow dating is about honoring reality as it is, not as we wish it would be. It’s choosing reality over fantasy. Which really is its own form of kindness. When we keep ourselves stuck in fantasy and expect the other person to fulfill some role or be someone other than who they’re showing us they are, we set ourselves up for disappointment. And if they do care about us, we can set them up for a major guilt trip. But when we respect others in the context of slow dating, we let go of the story we’re trying to write and accept what’s actually here. This acceptance sets the other person free, and as a result, it sets us free.
I think about the times I’ve gotten lost in my imagination, crafting epic love stories and fairytale romances with the poor souls who’d barely glanced my way. Throwing myself totally at their feet and dumping the responsibility of fulfilling my daydreams into their unsuspecting arms. I think of the times I’ve played the role of the “cool girl” while casually sacrificing the desires of my heart and then blaming them later.
If anything is a recipe for resentment, it’s investing in a version of a relationship that doesn’t actually exist. Because resentment is just unspoken longing, and other times unrequited love, twisted in on itself. And I should know—I’ve had enough imaginary boyfriends to star in my own season of The Bachelorette. None of them ended well.
What I’ve come to learn, though, is that respect doesn’t mean we silence our desires or pretend we don’t care. It just means we acknowledge the truth: This person doesn’t want what I want. Respect doesn’t demand that someone else change. It asks us to remember ourselves and our worthiness, and honor others exactly as they are. And from there, we get to choose dignity and love rather than desperation and bitterness.
How to Practice Respect in Dating
Not feeling resentful when someone doesn’t want what you want is one of the hardest things to do. It’s all too easy to start demonizing the other person, judging them for who they are and what they want, and letting rejection subtly seep into bitterness. If you’ve been rejected or burned enough times, you might even find yourself resenting the entire dating pool. I’ve fallen into the old “men are all the same” trap more times than I care to admit.
But when you choose for yourself to respect the choices of others and to have compassion for the humanity of the people you like, you can move into new dating experiences with an empty mind and a loving heart. A friend once said to me, “I love because it feels better to love than not.” That hit me deep, and it’s a reminder I return to constantly.
Here are three ways I practice respect in slow dating:
1. Honor That People Want What They Want
The first principle of slow dating Anchored Over Attached invites us to drop our emotional anchors first and be clear on what we most want to experience in our love lives. When we become anchored in who we are, we’re no longer at the whim of the person we like, chasing their desires while forgetting ourselves. It always comes back to this, doesn’t it?
The flip side is that sometimes we dig our heels in so much that it’s hard to accept when we aren’t getting what we want. But respect asks us to step into the other person’s shoes and to have compassion for the fact that they have their own desires, attractions, and a whole emotional world to navigate. Compassion naturally and effortlessly leads to respect.
And when we honor someone else’s right to be exactly where they are, we also free ourselves from the weight of trying to control, fix, or rewrite the story. We can enjoy the connection for what it is, and isn’t, and move forward with clarity and with an open heart.
2. Honor That People Are Who They Are (And Who They Are is Beautiful)
It’s always been odd to me how we can go from truly, genuinely liking or loving someone to seeing zero good in them at all. And I say this as a woman who’s been betrayed and mishandled in some pretty epic ways that I’ve never shared publicly. Even when someone shows the ugliest side of who they are, grace means we can still recognize their beauty, even as we walk away.
I choose to honor the people I’ve loved, not just for them, but for me too. When we honor someone’s truth, their imperfections, and the fullness of who they are, we release judgment, resentment, and the weight of what “should have been.”
Because at the end of the day, we’re not infallible, and neither are the people we like. We’re all just out here trying to find our way in love, learning, stumbling, and figuring it out as we go. And that in itself is beautiful.
3. Honor Mismatches and Endings with Grace
There’s a season for everything under heaven. And if we’re wise, we’ll recognize the gifts and lessons present in every connection we experience. Over the past six weeks of writing about the principles of slow dating, I’ve shared plenty of stories about my dating escapades and the connections with men that seemed to go nowhere. But with each experience, I’ve learned a little more about myself, a little more about life, and a little more about what it means to be happy and enjoy myself, no matter who’s in the picture.
Things don’t always work out the way we daydreamed about or hoped for, and we don’t have to blame anyone for that. If we honor the cycle of life, we understand that with each ending there is a beautiful new beginning. And with each mismatch, there’s clarity about what matters most, and more space for what truly belongs.
When we choose to honor endings with grace, not only do we feel more free, but we also remain open-hearted for all that’s yet to come.
Slow Dating is Respectful Dating
By the time I make it to the grocery store, I feel a sense of lightness I haven’t felt in the entire year prior. It’s a kind of freedom in knowing I’ll be alright no matter what happens between us. A steady belief that love is here for me, whether or not he is. I’m not mad anymore, and I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with him for not wanting romance with me. I’m just… happy. Surrendered to life and open to what’s next.
I’m reminded that, at the end of the day, respect is about how I carry myself in the ordinary moments. It’s about who I choose to be even when things don’t go the way I hoped they would. Life and love aren’t about holding on the tightest, but about moving through each experience with kindness, compassion, and maybe even a little humor.
It’s in the way we honor our feelings, honor the fullness of who people are, and honor mismatches and endings with grace. And if we can choose respect over resentment, again and again, I believe we’ll find that our hearts remain soft enough to recognize love in all its forms when it finds us.
If you’re new here, this post is part of a series I’ve been writing on Slow Dating, which you can explore more about [here]. This isn’t just a dating method, it’s a way of being that always brings me back to the question How can I live a more loving, joyful, and romantic life, no matter who’s in the picture?
Next week I’ll be wrapping up this blog series on slow dating with What Kind of Woman Are You? Living the Slow Dating Ethos. I’m excited to pull together all my little epiphanies, lessons, and aha moments into a final post that paints the bigger picture of what slow dating really looks like in practice. It’s been such a fun, eye-opening two months of getting my thoughts onto paper, and I can’t wait to close it out with you.
Before you head off, I’d love to know: How have you been navigating mismatches and endings in your dating life? Let me know in the comments below.
