The Uber pulls away and I’m at the front door of my building, ready to slip inside, kick off my shoes and call it a night. But the bartender I’d hung out with that evening has hopped out of the car too. I met him this past weekend at one of my neighborhood spots and had agreed to a night out, hoping he might become a new local friend.
Now he’s standing in front of the door, legs wide, arms crossed, blocking my way inside. What starts casual quickly turns into an interrogation. I spend the next twenty minutes explaining in different ways that I’m only open to friendship right now. That friendship is actually the foundation of anything else I might be open to in the future.
He can’t let it go. He wants answers and he wants them now. “If we’re friends, does that mean something more is still possible in the future? Unless you’re telling me I’m totally not even bang-able to you.”
We’ve hung out once. We don’t even know each other. And yet here I am, being cornered into making a definitive statement about a future relationship, with a person I barely know, on a Wednesday night at my front door. Finally, exasperated, I throw my hands in the air. “Hey, I think it’s best if we don’t even be friends.”
He looks as defeated as I feel. I walk upstairs with a sting of resentment, thinking that what might have become a genuine connection had just been snuffed out before it ever had a chance to form. And it got me wondering…
How often do we sabotage our chances at love and connection by forcing someone into a corner? By demanding answers they’re not ready to give? By insisting they be where we are, when we want them to be, and exactly how we want them to be?
We all crave freedom, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. It feels so nice when you have the space to breathe, to be who you are, and to show up in your own timing. The truth is, true love doesn’t happen under duress. It happens when there’s space for it to grow and blossom and unfold into something magnificent.
So, why is it that we try to force our way into people’s hearts?
Missed the intro post on Slow Dating? Read it here.
The Paradox of Freedom in Love
A few months ago I was sitting on my balcony catching up with an old friend. She was giving me the latest on her relationship when she said something that hit me differently. “I told him that if he wants to be free, he should just go be free then!”
She said it with a tinge of bitterness, as though freedom were a bad thing, or something to resent. I felt her pain, but the irony of the statement landed hard for me. Of course he wants to feel free. We all do. Especially in love, we want to feel the freedom to be ourselves, to choose, to move in our own timing. And yet, without realizing it, we cage ourselves and the people we love.
And it’s not really our fault. We’ve been taught that our partners—or potential partners—are responsible for our hearts, for soothing our spirits, for providing stability. We’ve been conditioned to believe that love means ownership and possession. And that if our partner wants to feel free, it must mean they don’t really love us.
It’s a wild idea, if you sit with it for any length of time. But most of us haven’t yet reconciled how love and freedom can co-exist. So we demand that people show up for us in ways that don’t feel natural to them, just because it’s what we need. We ask them to bury their feelings or desires so we don’t have to face our own discomfort. We judge their choices when they don’t reflect our own. We pressure the people we’re dating to give us clarity they don’t even have yet. We expect others to hold emotions we haven’t learned to hold ourselves, even while they’re still navigating their own.
In all these small, subtle ways, we chip away at their freedom, and at our own. We become more dependent, less expansive. And that’s not really love at all.
Freedom doesn’t mean staying aloof or disconnected. And it’s certainly not about avoiding love. Freedom is about choice, and wholeheartedly respecting another person’s right to choose what they want, from moment to moment, without fear of judgment or fallout. And it’s about honoring our own right to move in our timing, without apology.
When we unlearn the sneaky conditioning that tells us love and freedom can’t coexist, we remember the truth: we are individuals, each with the right to choose how we want to exist in relationship. And when we claim that freedom for ourselves, we’re finally able to extend it to others.
How to Practice Freedom When Dating
We all want to be with someone who chooses us, right? But, are they choosing us joyfully, knowing they’re free to say yes or no, in each moment, without fear of fallout? Or are they choosing us because they’re afraid of what will happen if they don’t? That our fragile hearts might shatter, or that we might crumble without them?
This is where the first principle of slow dating Anchored Over Attached becomes essential. Only when we’re anchored in ourselves can we truly practice freedom over force in dating. That means not trying to coerce, manipulate, or guilt-trip someone into being with us. Not crying, begging, or demanding they be who we want them to be.
Instead, freedom in dating means lovingly offering space. It’s the heart of slow dating.
I’ll admit, I haven’t always been good at this. And when I did extend freedom to others, it was often with hope that they’d notice my generosity and reward me for it. But the more I’ve turned inward, the more I’ve learned that the feeling of being free is one of the most liberating experiences. Now I know that I want to be the kind of woman who offers that same freedom to others, honoring their humanity, their individuality, and their right to choose how they want to relate to me, in each moment.
Here are three ways I practice freedom over force in dating:
1. Let People Be Who They Are (And Don’t Ask Them to Be Anyone Else)
I have a wicked imagination, and I tend to see the world through rose-colored glasses. It serves me well most of the time and I credit it for much of the beautiful life I live today (I’m all in on that manifestation game!). But when it comes to other people, I’ve learned that seeing them for who I want them to be, for their potential rather than who they are right now, can mean I’m not really accepting them as they are.
A person you like, who is fully free to be themselves, might move closer to you or they might move further away. There’s no way to know. But asking them to be anything other than who they are, or threatening to pull the plug on a budding relationship because they aren’t meeting your expectations, will rarely get you what you truly want. And if it does, it’s usually short-lived. No one can sustain a change made out of fear of losing us. And trust me, I’ve been there. I had an ex who changed to my face, only to be exactly who he’d always been behind my back.
Give people the freedom to be who they are, and you’ll start to see who’s really meant to be in your life and who isn’t, without the pressure, the drama, or the heartbreak.
2. Let People Want What They Want (And Celebrate It!)
He says he doesn’t want a relationship, and you can’t believe him—not when he’s the one you had your heart set on. She says she doesn’t want kids, and you stick around, hoping she’ll change her mind. She never does, and now you’re mad about it.
He wants a white picket fence in the suburbs. You want to live a nomadic life. You’re hell-bent on being together… until the honeymoon ends and the deepest desires of your hearts resurface. You thought “love” would win.
But the truth is, love doesn’t win by forcing someone to want what we want. True love gives freedom. It celebrates and honors the desires of our hearts… Yours and theirs. Love inspires us to be more of who we are. It honors the present while making space for our ever-evolving desires. True love liberates. True love celebrates.
3. Let People Move in Their Own Timing (While You Move in Yours)
There’s a tendency in dating to demonize someone when they aren’t ready to commit exactly when we are. We accuse them of not liking us enough. We overanalyze every move, searching for clues about what’s “wrong” with them. There must be something, right? If they aren’t ready to put a ring on it yesterday, there must be a problem.
We jump up and down, demanding they give us what we want, right now. If they can’t, we try to force or manipulate (often unconsciously!) our way into their hearts and lives with our tears, our sexuality, our charm, our guilt, or whatever we think will bend them to our will.
But when we honor the flow of life and the timing of others, we accept that there may be factors beyond our awareness affecting the unfolding of love. We recognize that someone might experience attraction, desire, or readiness differently than we do.
By respecting timing we give ourselves freedom. We might open our hearts fully to another person, or take space to grow on our own, or continue to enjoy the unfolding of the experience in front of us. Whatever we do, it’s done in freedom, honoring both our own journey and the other person’s.
Sometimes, romance isn’t today. But if we allow grace and freedom, love becomes possible, and more beautiful, than we ever could have forced it to be.
Freedom is the Heart of Slow Dating
As I reflected on my night out with the bartender, I realized how much he must yearn to be desired and loved, just like all of us. But in his desperation for clarity and validation, he pushed me into a corner and forced the outcome neither of us wanted and that he likely feared most: rejection. In that moment, he sabotaged a chance for true connection by unwittingly choosing force over freedom.
Over the past few years, thanks to some wonderful friends and teachers (you know who you are!), I’ve come to believe that true love is only possible where there is total freedom. When we know how to hold space for both ourselves and others, we unlock a level of devotion that is not needy, not dependent, and not reliant on formalities or legalities to know it’s real.
If you’re new here, this post is part of an ongoing series I’m writing on Slow Dating, which you can explore more about [here]. This isn’t just a dating method, it’s a way of being!
Next week, we’ll dive into my fifth and final principle of slow dating Respect Over Resentment. I’ll share more of my story and how I’ve learned to curb feelings of resentment when things don’t go according to plan.
Now, I want to hear from you! In your dating life, where could you choose freedom over force, for yourself or someone else?
