I have a guy friend who knows how to play the dating game almost better than anyone I know. Funnily enough, I met him through a dating app. If you’ve been single for any length of time, you probably know the rules: Give a little but not too much. Wait 48–72 hours to text after a date. Be fun but not too fun or people might think you have no ambition. Show interest but not desperation. Leave a little mystery but not so much that they forget you exist. You know… The Game.
Every couple of weeks, my friend calls with an update from the field. Who’s in, who’s out, what move worked, what didn’t. On a recent call, he said something that I found fascinating. When I asked how dating was going, he sighed and said, “I’m kind of bored. I know how to get what I want with each type of woman. If I want to get laid, I do A, B, and C. If I want her to stick around, I pull back a little and add some mystery. I already know the play.”
He can pick a woman, decide what kind of experience he wants to have, and run a strategy that, more often than not, delivers the exact outcome he planned for. And he’s not alone. I have girlfriends who run their own versions of the same game.
I’m not judging it. I’ve enjoyed the game myself from time to time. There’s a certain thrill in the push and pull. And a lot of what these “rules” reflect is just basic human psychology. But here’s the thing—when dating becomes a game, everyone’s a player. And if everyone’s a player, then there are always winners and losers. Someone gets what they want, while the other person often ends up confused, ghosted, or hurt. Conquest might feel powerful in the short term, but it usually leaves us disconnected in the long run.
What if we approached dating differently? What if, instead of trying to “win” someone over, we got genuinely curious about who they are? When you approach dating with curiosity instead of conquest, it becomes less about controlling an outcome and more about discovering another human being. It turns into a slow, adventurous unfolding, full of possibility and nuance. You’re no longer strategizing or pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re present, you’re listening and you’re being real with another human. And even if it doesn’t lead to a relationship, you still walk away with a valuable moment of human connection that wasn’t about manipulation or tactics.
Missed the intro post on Slow Dating? Read it here.
Curiosity Over Conquest Aka How to Stop Playing Games in Dating
I have to pause here for a second before diving into this one, because truth be told, I love games and I love fun people. I love the playboys, the kinksters, and the nice guys. I love the excitement of dating, the banter, the chemistry, the flirtation. When I think of games in general, I think of fun.
But when we talk about game-playing in the context of dating, it’s not really about authentic fun. It’s often about a collection of rules, mind tricks, and strategies designed to manufacture an outcome (whether that’s getting laid or locking down the relationship) while bypassing the actual process of connection. And most of us are playing the game, even when we think we’re not!
Slow dating isn’t about conquering someone or “winning” them over. It’s about getting to know people for who they truly are, as it naturally unfolds. Not trying to secure something before you even know if your values align. Not desperately asking for intimacy or commitment before emotional safety has even had a chance to form. It’s about seeing dating as an adventure and not a transaction.
When we shift how we think about dating, we can shift how we experience it. If you stop showing up to dates wondering what can I get out of this? or do they meet all my criteria?, and instead arrive with genuine, open-hearted curiosity you invite real connection. That means asking real questions and being present for the answers. Letting go of needing to pretend that you’re anyone other than who you are. And choosing to experience someone rather than evaluating them like a job applicant.
There’s a lightness and a natural ease to this kind of connection. It takes the pressure off both people and makes space for something real to grow. Whatever that may be! Of course, this kind of curiosity requires that you’re already anchored in The First Principle of Slow Dating: Anchored Over Attached. Without that grounding, you might find yourself using curiosity as another tactic to win someone over, instead of as a way to simply be with another person in their humanness.
When you’re anchored in yourself and when you’re dating from a place of internal security instead of chasing external outcomes, then curiosity becomes one of the most magnetic and powerful energies you can bring.
How to Practice Curiosity While Dating
I live in South Beach, Florida—a city that starts to feel like a small town the second you start dating in it. Picture me jumping into a bush every other block just to avoid my last bad date. (Totally joking! 😂) But, it’s exactly this small-town-in-a-big-city dynamic that’s made me extra mindful of the way I date.
A couple of weeks ago, a neighbor of mine saw me on a dating app and hit me up for a drink. The thought “Don’t shit where you sleep” briefly crossed my mind, before I happily said yes. As you now know, I’m always up for getting to know someone new, no matter the outcome. And I’m pretty skilled at not making things awkward on my end if it’s not a vibe. I credit the Aussie humor for that. Ha.
Over the course of our time together, it became abundantly clear we weren’t vibing in the same way. I’m fairly certain that a generally optimistic, free-spirited woman like me would probably drive him mad. And yet, I genuinely enjoyed the experience.
Even during his unexpected diatribe against “modern women” (aka the exact kind of woman I am and the women I coach every week), I stayed open. I didn’t feel the need to prove a point, change his mind, or shut down. I just listened and let curiosity lead. I allowed myself to be present with this person’s worldview, not because I agreed with it, but because I wasn’t trying to control the moment.
When you date with curiosity, you learn something about the person, about yourself, and about the world, even when the connection doesn’t go anywhere. And that’s the power of curiosity.
Here are 3 ways I practice curiosity in dating:
1. Ask Questions About Their Take on Hot Topics (Not Always the Heavy Stuff)
I like juicy conversations. Because it’s in the juice that I get to really experience how a person thinks, what lights them up, what they avoid, and what they care about most (positively or… not so positively). The old, “What do you do for work?” conversations generally bore me to tears.
Sometimes I’ll casually share something going on in my work, a situation with a friend, or an idea I’ve been exploring, just to see their take. Other times I’ll throw out something I read in an article or saw online and say, “What do you think about that?” It’s not about right or wrong answers. It’s just about the texture of the interaction.
I love watching someone come alive in a conversation, or hearing how they process something whether it’s with fire, humor, or insight. Not only do I get to hear and feel their real stories and perspectives, but if they know how to toss the conversation back my way (and I mean really play with it), it opens the door for me to share more of myself too.
Suddenly, we’re co-creators in an epic conversation. When I say hot-topic that doesn’t have to mean political or controversial. It can be love languages, the possibility of male-female “friendships”, can humans “have it all”, whether psychedelics are legit therapy tools, are robots taking over humanity, is it possible to break family patterns… whatever is most interesting to you.
Obviously, engaging like this takes some courage, but when you go there it’s amazing how much intimacy you can build in a single date. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere romantically, it’s a conversation you’ll probably remember.
2. Don’t Talk at All (Just Feel Their Energy Move)
Before your mind heads straight for the gutter, I’m not talking about that (though hey, no judgment). I’m talking about what the experience of someone feels like in your body (sorry, again, I can’t think of a better way to say it! Ha).
I’m most attuned to my curiosity when I’m simply listening. Listening not just to their words, but to myself as they speak. How am I feeling? Do I feel open or contracted? Spacious or a little off? Curiosity isn’t just about how someone sounds, it’s about how it feels to be in their presence. That might happen in the conversation, or it might happen in the spaces in-between where you’re walking to their car, driving, dancing, or side by side at a bar with no pressure to say a word.
One of the most memorable experiences I’ve had over the past few years was with a man I met while he was in town from Dubai for a wedding. We had a drink and talked about culture, the differences between our upbringings, and shared little moments from our lives. Then, somewhere in the night we slipped into a quiet, comfortable silence side by side at the bar, just listening to music. He asked if I wanted food, leaned in to tell the bartender, and returned to stillness. There was a kind of calm confidence to him. Like he didn’t need to fill the space. And neither did I.
He texted me goodbye the next day, then his U.S. number disappeared, and that was the end of it. But that night lives in my body. Because there’s something that can’t be said. It can only be felt. And that, to me, is one of the deepest forms of curiosity. It’s the kind that lives underneath the questions. It’s attunement and presence that tells you more about a person than any witty banter or dating strategy ever could.
3. Let People Surprise You (Even When They’re Trending Negative)
If someone says something cringey or off-brand for your type, resist the urge to mentally swipe left mid-conversation. And yes, I’m looking at you, “modern women are ruining society” guy.
Dating in today’s world can be super disheartening, especially if you live in a big city where the options are endless. People are burnt out, jaded, and often carrying disappointments from a hundred failed connections. It’s easy to get cynical and to let bitterness creep in and ruin the chance of connecting with the very real human sitting across from you.
It’s also easy to judge quickly. To let a first impression or a poorly worded opinion become the whole story. But when you remember that most of us are just out here trying to find love (usually in all the wrong places, lol), it makes you a little more compassionate and helps you stay present a little longer.
People don’t always put their best foot forward on a first date. Do you? Nerves, ego, social conditioning, past heartbreak, or simply poor communication skills can all get in the way. I’ve learned that someone can be awkward in one moment and deeply insightful in the next, if I give them the space to show it.
To be clear, I’m not saying to keep engaging with someone who’s being hateful, clearly misaligned, or emotionally unsafe. You should feel their energy and trust the intuition we talked about earlier. But when I get the ick over something small, or I sense someone’s being guarded or trying too hard, I remind myself to stay open just a little longer. Sometimes I end up with a surprisingly meaningful conversation. And even when it’s still not a fit, I walk away with a little more grace for the human experience. That alone makes the date worth it.
The Slow Burn Always Wins
When you approach dating as an adventure and not a game, you never have to worry about losing. And that might just be one of the most liberating and empowering realizations of all!
The more I stay curious and open-hearted, without the need to win or prove anything, the more relaxed I feel in dating. The more fun I have and the more honest I become. And the more I actually enjoy the people I meet, whether they become something or not. That’s what slow burn dating is all about.
If you’re new here, this post is part of an ongoing series I’m writing on Slow Dating, which you can explore more about [here]. This isn’t just a dating method, it’s a way of being.
Next week, I’ll be diving into the third principle which is Presence Over Permanence. It’s probably the most controversial (and confronting) truth I’ve had to learn in dating. It’s challenged everything I thought I knew about love, and brought me into a much deeper relationship with the now.
This whole exploration of slow dating is turning out to be so fun and so illuminating. It always brings me back to the same question, How can I live a more loving, joyful, and romantic life, no matter who’s in the picture?
So now I’m curious: What’s been the most memorable date experience you’ve had that didn’t work out romantically but that you still really enjoyed? Drop it in the comments below. I’d love to hear!
