How to Love Yourself: Musings of a Self-Loving Woman

For the longest time, I was kind of confused about this whole question of “Do I love myself?” Like, I didn’t hate myself. I thought I loved myself. But at the same time, I wasn’t totally sure. I’d hear people say things like, “If you loved yourself, you’d never let someone treat you like that,” or “If you loved yourself, you’d be doing this.”

I remember reading on some random self-help blog that if I was doing too much for someone else, if I was “allowing” people to act certain ways, then I wasn’t really loving me. (As if I actually have control over what other people ultimately do… or even want that kind of control!) And I’d think, Wait, so do I not love myself then?

It felt like the world was telling me that loving others was in conflict with loving myself. As though doing kind things for people, wanting to see them happy, even if it meant putting my own wants on the backburner sometimes, was proof that I secretly hated myself. That never sat right with me. I’ve always wanted to be available for the people I care about, and I never believed that automatically meant I was abandoning me.

And then there was the idea that loving myself was supposed to look like going on solo dates, taking long bubble baths, basking in self-care rituals, or gazing in the mirror saying, “I love you, Candis.” None of which I was doing at the time, and all of which felt kind of awkward.

It took me years, a lot of alone time, journaling, staring at the sky, and wandering through nature, to finally piece it together. Slowly, I started to see that loving myself wasn’t about ticking off a bunch of self-care boxes. And it wasn’t about ignoring the needs of others, in order to put myself first, at all times.

True love has never been about what I do. It’s about how I am. How I accept others fully, whether or not they’re doing what I want them to do. And in the same way, loving myself isn’t about how many bubble baths I take or how many solo date nights I plan (though yes, I do love a solo date night). At its core, it’s about self-acceptance. About being able to say, This is me. And I’m okay with me. Right now, exactly as I am.

What Does Loving Yourself Really Mean?

Loving yourself is about accepting yourself, wholeheartedly. Where you are in life, what you want, what you like, who you are. There’s a passage in Haemin Sunim’s book The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down that I absolutely love. He writes:

“If I had to summarize the entirety of most people’s lives in a few words, it would be endless resistance to what is. As we resist, we are in constant motion trying to adjust, and yet we still remain unhappy about what is. If I had to summarize an enlightened person’s life in a few words, it would be complete acceptance of what is. As we accept what is, our minds are relaxed and composed while the world changes rapidly around us.”

Isn’t that so good? The irony of accepting things as they are is that the moment I actually do, I feel lighter, clearer, freer. And funnily enough, if something really does need to change, it starts to do so naturally in the light of that acceptance.

I’ve seen this play out in so many parts of my life. For years, I fought against my body—forcing myself into strict workout routines, following diets that felt joyless and restrictive. Nothing worked, and I just felt miserable. But the moment I fully accepted my body, everything changed. I started moving in ways that felt fun and nourishing, eating in ways that gave me energy and pleasure. And without the constant battle, I slowly and naturally arrived at the healthiest body I’ve ever lived in.

The same has been true with my mind. Instead of trying to stop or fix the endless stream of thoughts running through it, I started accepting them as exactly what they are. Just thoughts. Not facts or truths I have to believe. Just clouds passing by.

And maybe the biggest one of all has been accepting my ever-changing nature, my evolving desires, and the parts of me that change with the seasons of my life. When I stopped fighting those changes, I could actually enjoy the adventure of becoming who I am. So for me, self-love is really self-acceptance.

3 Ways I Practice Self-Love and Self-Acceptance

1. Owning who I am and what I want

Self-acceptance starts with owning who I am and what I actually want, even when it’s not the “popular” or “normal” thing to do.

So, I’ll let you in on something… I don’t want to get married again. I don’t want kids. But yes, I absolutely want to experience true love and partnership with a man (jury’s still out on whether I ever want to live with anyone again! Ha!). And yes, I do love love!

I also love my work, but I don’t live to work. I’ve retired from the whole boss-babe, hustle hard, “build your empire” lifestyle. These days, my measure of success is contentment. Am I happy? Am I enjoying my days? Am I moving slowly, soaking up the beauty of my friendships, the people I love, the life around me?

There was a time I felt guilty about wanting a slower life. And then even guiltier when I actually created it. I’ve had people say to me (some out loud, others with just a smirk), “Must be nice,” as if choosing this lifestyle makes me lazy or frivolous.

But these days, I couldn’t care less. I am a little frivolous. I am fun-loving. And I accept myself fully, whether I’m in a slow, dreamy flow or moving at a quicker pace. Loving myself means being at peace with both.

Related: How I Learned to Choose Myself First (and How You Can Too!)

2. Taking the pressure off myself

Last week I wrapped up a whole blog series on Slow Dating (if you missed it, you can catch it here), and one of my favorite principles from that series is Freedom over Force. The idea is that love only flourishes in an atmosphere of choice, not control.

When I look back, I can see how many times I’ve forced myself into things. Pressuring myself to make decisions before I was ready. Fat-shaming myself into workouts. Demanding that I “get over it” when I was still deeply hurting. None of it ever worked.

These days, loving myself looks like giving myself space, grace, and freedom to just be. And the funny thing is, when I stopped pressuring myself, I actually became way more consistent in the things that matter to me. I’ve been showing up for workouts three times a week for years now because I quit beating myself up whenever I fell off the wagon. I’ve been publishing blog posts weekly, the minute I gave myself permission to only write when it felt joyful.

The less I make my life about pressure, perfection, or proving myself, the more I fall in love with myself and with my life.

3. Allowing myself to change

A couple of years ago I was frustrated with a guy. He told me he was going to do something, and then he didn’t. When I called him on it, he just shrugged and said, “I changed my mind.” Cue my epic eye roll. In my holy indignation I blurted out, “Well, I rarely change my mind!” And I remember actually feeling proud of that, as if being stubborn somehow made me more reliable and honorable.

I laugh now when I think about that moment, because I’ve changed so much since then. Back then I thought not changing meant I knew who I was, that I was solid and committed no matter what. But now, I see it completely differently. The very nature of life is change. Day into night. Tides rolling in and out. Our bodies regenerating, turning over. Heck, my body isn’t the same one I had ten years ago. (And don’t get me started on the surprise appearance of my first grey hairs!)

Everything about me has evolved. My beliefs about love and life, my relationship with money and business, even my taste buds (how did I not like ceviche before?). Change isn’t flaky. It’s natural. Much of the time it’s growth, even!

So these days, when I allow myself to change and when I accept who I am in this moment, even if she’s different from who I was yesterday, I feel like I’m loving myself in the truest way. I’m saying, Whoever I am today is enough. And whoever I’ll be tomorrow is perfect too.

When You Love Yourself, You’ll Just Know

The question of “Do I love myself?” disappeared somewhere along the way. Probably around the day I realized there was nothing I had to do in order to prove it. The moment I stopped asking myself that question, stopped piling on the pressure, and stopped trying to measure up to someone else’s version of self-love, all the barriers to love just sort of dissolved.

As I let go of the checklist and simply started loving others joyfully and accepting them exactly as they are, I realized I was also learning how to extend that same love and compassion toward myself. Now I know that true love means complete acceptance of what is. It means not fighting against who I am, or where I am. It means being at peace with the whole of me.

So here’s my question for you: In what ways can you accept yourself a little more today? How will you love yourself a little more each day?