A few years ago, I ended a 12-year relationship because it was no longer fun or joyful and I entered into single life. I had this idea that single people were having the time of their lives. After all, I live in Miami Beach—one of the sexiest cities in the world!
I imagined nights out dancing and having cocktails with friends, weekends spent by the pool or at the beach with my crew, fancy dinner parties in chic city apartments, and lazy brunches on Sunday mornings. In my mind, it would be something akin to Sex and the City. Dating for fun, being alone and happy, and generally enjoying single life to the fullest! I just knew I was going to love being single.
I was quickly bummed to learn that many of my single friends—and the new people I met—were quietly (often loudly) unhappily single! I would spend weekends going through my lengthy phone contact list looking for just one single soul who wanted to have a cocktail and go dancing on a Saturday night. I mostly couldn’t find one, and if I did, I’d often spend the night in drawn-out conversations about the dire state of dating and the “crisis of men.” Sex was on everyone’s mind, and yet it was mostly making everyone miserable, including me!
I couldn’t understand how, in a city of sexy beaches, sunny skies, beautiful people, raging nightclubs, high-end restaurants, and endless fun, no one seemed to be truly having fun. And they certainly didn’t seem happy!
One day, I was sitting by the pool watching the boats float around in the bay, and a question popped into my head: What does it take for someone to be happily single? How can I learn to fully enjoy my solitude? How can I be completely content exactly where I am in this season of singleness? How can I be truly happy and alone?
Here’s How I Started to Love Being Single:
1. I Learned the Facts About Being a Happily Single Woman
In my desire to understand the plight of the single woman, I typed into Google: happiness and the single woman. I expected to find a bunch of articles about how women in relationships were happier. Based on what I’d come to experience with the people around me, this seemed like it would make perfect sense.
I was shocked when I found an article about Why Single Women are the Happiest People on Earth. Turns out that, based on several studies—like this one in Social Psychological and Personality Science—single women, compared with women in relationships, are happier with their relationship status, their sex life, and have a higher overall sense of well-being.
Women in relationships take on more household labor, their “sexual pleasure is deprioritized in long-term heterosexual relationships,” and they’re so busy managing multiple demands that their overall happiness and well-being take a nosedive. On a side note, the lives of heterosexual men reportedly get better when they have a woman in their life… go figure!
In short—single, childless women who live alone are apparently living the dream! It’s not to say I wouldn’t love to be in a fun, happy, healthy relationship one day, but I’ve learned to embrace my season of singleness with deep contentment and joy, understanding that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And, that my happiness has little to do with my relationship status!
2. I Got Grateful for The Unexpected Benefits of Being Single.
Mostly, I’m grateful I can do what I want, when I want.
When I was in a relationship, my partner’s alarm would go off at the wee hours of the morning. He would jump out of bed and be out the door by 5:30am. I would get up around 5am—often because I felt guilty if I didn’t, knowing he worked so hard.
When I first became single, I would still suffer from guilt if I didn’t wake up before daybreak—until I suddenly realized that I have created my life exactly as I want it to be. I can sleep until 7am if I want! I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, without waiting for anyone before eating the dinner that I cook. I can have friends over without having to consider another human. I can sit in the bath for hours, undisturbed. I can turn the TV off when I want (and never watch American Horror story, ever again!). I can sit in silence all day if I want.
I have endless time to spend on myself—taking care of my body, tending to my skin, taking dance classes, reading books, watching beautiful movies. All in my own timing. I can spend my money however I want—without feeling guilty or indulgent about any of it! There are so many things in my life that are so, so sweet and so many benefits to living alone.
3. I Learned How to Date for Fun and Without Stress or Pressure.
Almost a year after my breakup, I decided to get on a dating app for the first time. As I was filling out my profile, it asked me for my “Dating Goals.” I sat staring blankly at my screen. Dating goals? It asked: Do you want a long-term relationship, a short-term relationship, or are you still figuring it out? Yikes!
The only thing I knew (and still know) is that I wanted to have fun and enjoy the company of someone else, every now and then! See, I’ve noticed that when we have a goal, most of us get pretty intense about achieving it—especially when it comes to relationships. Every person we meet either matches up to our criteria or doesn’t. They either “waste our time,” or they fit into our plan. When I date with a goal in mind, I have less fun and I’m a little less happy—because everything becomes about meeting that goal. I decided to date with only one intention: to enjoy my life. Now, I go on dates with all types of men and usually have a great time by staying open to the possibilities of my life, and enjoying myself even when they don’t end up being my forever person. I have fun stories to tell my girlfriends and things to talk about. Dating is a joy, not a nightmare, because I’m dating for fun, not marriage. In this way, it adds to my happiness instead of taking away from it.
4. I Stopped Craving Love and Started Being Present
When I first became single, I spent a lot of time daydreaming about my next big love. I even kept a Legendary Love Letter handy—one I had written before leaving my ex, declaring everything I wanted in my next partnership.
It took me a long while to realize that legendary love and romance are available to me in the everyday moments of life, with or without a man. If I would just stop and be present to all the beauty there is, then I would learn how to enjoy my own company and start loving life alone.
I came to realize over time, that when I’m in my head, thinking about the future, ruminating on “what’s missing,” or wishing for life to be different than what it is, I am out of the present moment and all of its beauty. But when I stay present in my body, let my thoughts of lack drift away and pay attention to the beauty of small moments—the way the sun streams through my window in the mornings, the way the shadows of the palm trees dance on my walls at night, the sound of birds singing, the taste of caramelized pear and brie crêpes from my favorite café, the feeling of a soul-stirring melody flowing from my speakers and into my body—that’s when I am truly in love with my life. That’s when I am embracing wholeheartedly my season of singleness and the joy of solitude.
The irony of fully embracing life alone is that the happier you are and the more fun you have alone, the more others suddenly want to join you! Once I ditched scrolling my phone contact list for people who wanted to join me on a Saturday night, people just started flowing effortlessly into my life. Today, I enjoy those nights out dancing and sipping on cocktails, weekends spent by the pool or at the beach with friends, and lazy brunches on Sunday mornings. My life has indeed become somewhat akin to Sex and the City, but without all the drama (and a little less sex. Ha!)
How to Be Single and Happy, Right Now.
Enjoying being single isn’t about convincing yourself you’ll never want a relationship again—it’s about fully embracing where you are right now. Love, happiness, and romance exist within you, not outside of you. By focusing on gratitude, fun, and embracing the everyday moments of life, I’m learning how to make this season one of the most fulfilling times of my life! I’m learning how to love being a sexy single woman and embracing the beauty of being alone!
So, what about you? Are you ready to embrace the fun and joy of single life? What’s your favorite part of being alone? Let me know in the comments below.
