I have a confession to make: men have absolutely consumed my mind for the better part of the last 20 years. I’ve long been a die-hard fan of a good self reflection question. I have piles upon piles of journals, and plenty of colleagues who’d vouch for my endless questioning abilities.
But if I’m honest, probably 70% of the questions I’ve asked myself over the years had something to do with a man. How to love a man. How to be attractive and turn him on. How to communicate gently so he actually hears what I’m saying.
I was obsessed when I was married. Endlessly reading manuals on “how to be a good wife,” playing The Love Dare on the regular, unbeknownst to my husband at the time. I wondered how to be less reactive, more sensual, make more money so he didn’t have to work so hard. I was determined to win at the game of marriage, until the day I lost the fight.
Enter single life. And with it, a whole new obsession: how to be single, how to get the guy, how to be non-monogamous. How to bend myself over backwards to make someone else happy. None of it was actually about me. Anything I could do to unravel the mystery of the male species. I documented my voyage into the depths of the Miami dating pool in the pages of my journals.
So many of the questions I’ve asked myself have been inspired by my desire to relate better, to be better… for someone else.
Earlier this year, the questions started slowing down. My peace started to matter more than my relentless pursuit of understanding. My season of deciphering men was being replaced with a deep acceptance of the beautiful mystery they remain.
In its place, a new season arose. One devoted entirely to my creativity. And with it, the chance to ask myself this set of self reflection questions to nurture my self-growth.
What Are Self Reflection Questions for Growth, Anyway?
A self reflection question is one that’s focused on you. Go figure.
It invites you to look at your behaviors, your choices, and the thoughts and feelings behind them. It’s taking a real look at your life and accepting that, if you live with freedoms, there’s far more of it within your influence than you might admit.
A good self reflection question for growth takes you below the surface. It asks whether you’re reacting to your life, or intentionally designing it. It might be inspired by another person, but it doesn’t end with them. It ends with you.
I see this constantly in my work as a coach. I’ll ask a client a question meant to take them deeper, and they’ll default back to talking about someone else, trying to solve for people and situations outside of themselves.
Growth requires us to face ourselves. And to do that, the spotlight has to stay fixed, firmly, on you. So grab a notebook, a pen, and the nearest window. Let’s reflect together.
10 Self Reflection Questions for Growth I’m Asking Myself This Season (and that you might want to ask yourself, too)
1. What do I really want, now?
It’s easy to make “what do I want” a big question. I ask myself this as a big question about once a year, when I’m visioning and daydreaming about the year ahead. But I think it’s important to flag the “now” part. And for some, maybe even the “I” part too.
What you want now might be different from what you wanted six months ago, and if you haven’t taken the time to reflect on this, you might still be pursuing something that’s no longer aligned. Also what do you really want? Not anyone else, but you. It’s easy to find yourself trying to align your desires with other people, in an attempt to feel closer. But when we do this, we lose sight of ourselves and our own desires.
So, what do you really want… now?
2. What don’t I want?
They say when you know what you don’t want, you can more clearly define what you do want. And in my experience “they” are right!
For most of us, there are things in daily life that irk us. An annoying boss, a partnership that’s getting in the way of our dreams, the friendship that drains the life out of us. It’s obvious to us when we’re hating life, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “What’s the reason I’m not enjoying myself right now? What don’t I want here?”
3. Where have I been focusing my energy?
I was with a group of clients last week, mapping out their 90-day goals, when several of them began sharing how busy they were. No time for new projects, well over capacity, overburdened and underappreciated. And yet when I asked them how they were spending their day, they struggled to answer clearly. The truth is, they’re not alone. I’ve been here more times than I can count — spinning aimlessly, repeating cycles, because I was totally unclear on where I’d actually been focusing my time.
For me, this question is like an audit. Much like when I realized how much of my energy was focused on deciphering men and my relationship to them. And then the question becomes: is my energy focused where I want it to be?
4. Where has my energy been fragmented?
I’ve learned that it’s infinitely harder to see growth in any area of my life when my focus is fragmented. So periodically I have to pause and ask myself where and how I’ve been letting my energy split.
Think about the tabs you keep open in your Chrome browser, the projects you’ve started but haven’t finished, the commitments you made just to make other people happy. When we say yes to everything, we’re essentially saying no to the singular focus that creates real momentum. Is there a project or relationship that’s leaking your energy? Where can you refine your focus and channel it back into what you really want?
5. How do I want to feel?
Maybe the biggest question of them all. This is the one that guides most of my decisions these days. But every now and then I lose sight of it. I always ask myself, “What is the purpose of my life, if not to enjoy it and to help others enjoy it?”
When I’ve been afforded all the privileges and freedoms I have, paying attention to how I want to feel is essential. Over time I’ve come to believe that joy is the ultimate creator, and that my life’s calling is to create all I can while I’m here.
So, how do I want to feel? That question is my internal GPS, guiding me along my path.
6. What am I afraid to let go of — and what could become possible if I did?
I’ve spent way too long clinging to people, client contracts I knew I needed to release, and all kinds of unhelpful behaviors, because I was afraid of what would happen if I let go. Fear of the unknown kept me stuck in realities I didn’t want to live in. But letting go is the ultimate act of faith.
Imagine the space that would open up if you released the heavy baggage you’ve been carrying. What new, vibrant reality could finally grow in that empty space?
7. What if I fully trusted in Life as my most powerful co-creator?
So much of my exhaustion and disappointment over the years has come from trying to force outcomes — with men and relationships, with my business and bank account, even with my health and hormones. As I’ve stopped fighting the current and started flowing with it, I’ve found that things have a way of working themselves out better than I could’ve come up with on my own, with very little effort on my part.
What if you stopped trying to control everything, too? Trusting Life as a co-creator means acknowledging there’s a powerful force of creative energy living in and around you. In the dance of action and surrender, I have to remind myself regularly that I can just relax and let Life take the lead.
8. What would I do today if I fully believed in my vision for tomorrow?
This is that good ol’ question — “what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” — repurposed in a way that resonates with me a little deeper. I have a big, beautiful vision that’s gotten increasingly clear over the years, and I find myself moving toward it slowly. But every now and then, past failures pop into my psyche and test my belief. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit now.
But I know the future is really just a collection of todays. Do you know that? Or do you treat your dreams as though they’ve got nothing to do with today? If you truly believed your vision was inevitable, how would you move differently today?
9. What would happen if I went all in on the desires of my heart?
I can barely imagine, honestly. I’m genuinely thrilled with the life I live today, and yet I know there’s so much more available to me. Can you relate? There’s a persistent voice inside inviting us to take the risk, to create, to surrender.
But we ignore it because it feels risky, or illogical, or because we think other people will judge us for it. Going all in is about integrity. It’s about being true to our heart’s calling, aligning our behaviors with the internal truth that’s been guiding us all along.
Really… what would happen if you went all in on the desires of your heart?
10. What if I devoted fully to my art?
Art is the outward expression of our innate creativity. It’s something to be revered, not just squeezed in as a hobby on the weekends. I’ve been asking myself more and more recently: what if I just devoted myself fully to creative expression? How much fun would that be? How cool would it be to see the physical manifestation of all my ideas?
What if art was a sacred practice? If it was your unique way of translating what’s inside you? What if full devotion to your art was a portal back home to yourself?
Self Reflection Questions as a Path Home to Yourself
When we’ve peeled back all the layers, we find there’s not much left there. Just our being. And from that place, we start to live from the inside out. From that still, quiet space where the questions have all but subsided.
Maybe your questions haven’t slowed down yet. Maybe you’re still deep in the parade, the How to Get the Guy manuals, the “What if I just…?”, the endless trying to figure it out. That’s okay. If you’re in a season of asking, ask fully. Let the questions do their work. I’ve found that they’re not always meant to be answered right now. Sometimes you just follow where they lead, each one a little closer to the stillness underneath all of it.
So, I’m wondering: What question will you be sitting with in your next season? Let me know in the comments below.
