I saw my ex last week. He’s moving again and found a box of old photographs from my life in Australia. He wanted to get them back to me. We met at the local coffee shop for the handoff, and as we stood outside he updated me on his next moves… a new apartment further up the beach, aspirations to move abroad someday soon.
As I listened, I felt gratitude and detachment. Happy to see his life evolving.
Sitting on the floor of my living room later that day, browsing through photos of an old version of me, I reflected on just how much I’ve outgrown myself.
It was only a few years ago that I would’ve given anything to live abroad with my man. I would’ve bowed at the feet of his desire for a mere drop of attention. I might have been a little hurt knowing he was moving forward happily without me. Back then, everything hurt. I felt constantly disappointed by people not showing up. Desperate and helpless about so many things. Always wondering, always worrying about what the future would hold.
At some point, outgrowing myself became something I actively chose. And yet some of the most profound ways I’ve outgrown myself were ones I never planned or expected.
What does it mean to outgrow yourself?
Outgrowing yourself means that the things that once kept you small just don’t anymore. You start breaking free from situations, perspectives, and behaviors that kept you trapped. There’s a sense that the life you’re living can no longer contain you the same way.
For me, this happened pretty notably during my official slow year, when I realized I was no longer willing to participate in a marriage that just felt off. When I decided that a mediocre life was simply not on the cards for me. But it’s also happened in more subtle ways… not wanting to engage in unhelpful conversations anymore, becoming less available for complaining sessions with friends.
Outgrowing myself has meant embracing the radical recognition that I am free to grow. That the bigger, more expansive life waiting for me is mine to claim.
Here are 5 signs you’re outgrowing yourself:
These might not be true for everyone, but they’ve certainly been true for me. Outgrowing myself hasn’t always shown up obviously in my physical environment. Sometimes it’s simply the way I feel that’s been my biggest sign.
1. The things that used to hurt, hurt a little less
I spent my whole life wanting to belong. Probably just like everyone else…
Every few years growing up, my family moved. And so every other year I’d spend my time trying to push my way into new friendship circles. I was always welcomed to some degree and could easily make new connections, but we never stuck around long enough for anything to deepen. I carried this into adulthood, the way so many of us carry our childhood wounds. Wanting to belong to others fully and deeply… in friendship, in relationship, in love.
The irony of outgrowing myself is that over time, I’ve actually begun to feel at home in myself. To know that I belong to myself, first and foremost. I don’t live in a lonely, loveless world. And the things that used to hurt me, like feeling rejected, no longer sting the way they once did.
Maybe for you it’s not about belonging. Maybe it’s about feeling unheard, or pouring yourself into a business that never seems to take off. But when you begin outgrowing yourself, you start to trust that life is working for you, even in the ways you didn’t anticipate. And that makes the hurts, hurt just a little less.
2. You’re not stuck in the same patterns anymore
If you look around at your life right now, are you in the same place, doing the same things, with the same people?
I spent years stuck in the same patterns of thinking and behaving, and as a result my life looked the same year in and year out. I spent over a decade in a mostly unhappy marriage. I pushed and struggled for a business that I didn’t really love but that I thought would make me money. I would make a new friend and then feel disappointed and resentful when they didn’t show up for me the way I showed up for them.
When I look back now, I realize I was the common denominator in every single problem I had. I was unhappy and I felt stuck. The Slow Year changed all that for me. I slowed down long enough to recognize my patterns… and then worked my butt off to interrupt them.
The day you look around and see that your life is genuinely different than it once was? That’s the day you’ll know you’ve outgrown yourself.
3. You’re willing to let go
This is probably one of the hardest, and one of the realest, signs that you’re outgrowing yourself.
I have a really hard time letting go of people I love in particular. People tell me it’s my Pisces nature, but I’m still deciding if it’s the curse of a star sign or just an overactive ego. It’s hard to grow when you’re attached to something or someone in an unhealthy way. It’s a bit like planting yourself in a pot that’s too small… eventually, you stop growing altogether.
Maybe for you it’s not a person. It might be a business idea, a career path you’ve been on for a long time, a financial goal you’ve been white-knuckling. Letting go doesn’t always have to mean saying goodbye, though. Sometimes it’s just releasing your grip and recognizing what’s within your control and what’s not.
4. You no longer fear your own freedom
Like I said earlier, outgrowing myself has meant embracing the radical recognition that I am free to grow. Free to create my life however I want it to be, free to make the choices that move me closer to my dreams and free to live authentically, on my own terms.
If outgrowing yourself doesn’t scare you a little, you might not actually be outgrowing yourself. Because outgrowing yourself asks you to claim your freedom at every step of the way.
Every time I’ve transitioned into a new season of life, I’ve had to do something uncomfortable… something that also broke another chain. Face my own feelings. Have a courageous conversation. Walk down the street and ask for the apartment application. Close the business. Reopen the business. Look at my finances for the first time. Start investing in future me.
Outgrowing yourself means outgrowing your self-imposed fears. And the brutal truth is that most of us are afraid to be truly free.
5. You stop being obsessed with outgrowing yourself
At the height of my self-help journey, a sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks: there was nothing else I needed to change about me in order to be happy. I didn’t need to outgrow myself. I just needed to be myself. That’s all.
I was so obsessed with growth, with becoming a “better version” of me, that I was beating myself up for who I was today. And I was having a really hard time accepting the present moment, in all its glory.
When I stopped chasing a version of myself I thought would be better than who I am right now, I started to feel a sense of peace and freedom I hadn’t felt before.
It might sound woo, but it’s true… underneath the “me” I thought I was, is an unbreakable, unchangeable essence that just is. My life situation might change, people will come and go, my career might evolve and deepen, and yet the truest part of me will forever remain.
Outgrowing Yourself Is Just Remembering Who You Are
I used to think there was something I needed to do, or someone I needed to become, before I was truly worthy of loving myself and my life. I’ve long been a champion of self-growth and the never-ending cycle of self-improvement. I am a Life Coach, after all. But one of the most profound and unexpected parts of my journey has been outgrowing the idea that there is a me worth outgrowing. I need to love me, and accept me, and embrace me, fully.
The irony is that in that acceptance, I’ve experienced the most radical and freeing transformation of all. As I outgrow the idea that there is something desperately worth changing about me, I can relax a little… I can give myself grace… and I can remember the essence of who I really am.
Outgrowing yourself, in many ways, means releasing the ego’s hold on you — that voice that tells you you’re not enough, that there’s something about you that needs to change. It means accepting yourself fully, now. Coming home to yourself and remembering who you always were…
Beautifully made. Perfectly imperfect. And quite magnificent, exactly as you are.
