A couple of months ago, a local South Beach woman reached out to me for life coaching. We’d met through a mutual friend and, over a cocktail or two, swapped dating stories. She’d asked briefly about my work, and I told her that most of my coaching centers around helping hard-working career women and executive leaders slow down, reclaim their energy, and learn to live and lead from a more joyful, clear-minded, and inspired place. I left it at that.
When we jumped on the phone later that week, I asked what she was hoping to get out of coaching. Knowing she was one of those ambitious, career-driven women I usually work with, I fully expected her to say something along those lines. But what she said surprised me:
“I want coaching around dating resilience. You seem so relaxed about it all, and I want to feel the same way you do.”
She, like so many women I know, was struggling with the soul-crushing disappointment of every “failed” connection, the emotional rollercoaster of modern dating, and the disillusionment that often comes in a fast city full of distracted people. With each date she felt a little more jaded, a little less hopeful, and a lot more ready to do something different.
Her words got me thinking. What makes me so relaxed about dating these days? (It certainly hasn’t always been this way!) And as I reflected, I realized that for me, dating has become less about finding someone and more about coming home to myself, over and over again.
With every disheartening or downright maddening debacle, I ask myself: “How can I live a more joyful, loving, and romantic life no matter who is, or isn’t, in the picture?” Each time I’ve been let down, I’ve returned to my meditation pillow to free myself from overthinking, or I’ve sat on my balcony beneath the night sky, feeling into the deep well of peace and stillness within. I’ve leaned into the slow friendships I share with the incredible women in my life, practicing gratitude for the connections that already anchor me.
And whenever I’ve found myself caught up in unrequited love, I return to the same questions: “What kind of woman am I? And how do I want to live this one beautiful life?”
These questions are what inspired me to reflect on, develop, and share the five slow dating principles that have shaped this series. Because at the heart of it, the real question isn’t, “What do I need to do to attract a partner?” but rather, “How can I enjoy my life to the fullest? And what do I need to let go of in order to become the woman I was made to be?”
Want to read the full series on Slow Dating? Start here.
Slow Dating As A Way of Being
I want to preface this next part by saying that I’m not against the thrill of some good old-fashioned seduction. The electricity of a perfectly timed stare, the allure of a lingering touch, the charge of chemistry building across the table… These are some of life’s juiciest experiences. More and more, I find myself savoring the excitement of sexuality and sensual energy.
But one of the things I despise most about traditional dating advice is how often we’re told what to do in order to get or keep a man’s attention. This is what a man needs. This is what a man wants. This is what turns him on. Before we know it, we’ve contorted ourselves into the wildest of positions, twisting our personalities, our priorities, even our values, all in the hope of achieving one outcome: sustaining his interest. And with each new piece of advice we consume, the emphasis drifts further and further outside of ourselves. Even for the most anchored among us, it plants the seed that there’s always more we could “do” in order to finally be loved.
And frankly, we can never “do” enough to be loved. Trust me, I’ve tried.
The gift of being a modern woman is that we no longer date for survival. We make our own money. We live in sanctuaries we’ve created for ourselves. We savor the endless joy of sisterhood and the deep pleasure it brings. And so at some point, we begin to see that if we’re not dating and loving for joy first, then what’s it really about?
Slow dating isn’t about rules. It’s about a way of being. A way that invites us to be relaxed, self-respecting, curious, present, and free. The irony, of course, is that the more we relax into our own being, the more we enjoy life, love, and dating, no matter what the outcome is. And that’s where these five principles come in. They aren’t rules to follow or strategies to master, but touchstones for how to stay anchored in yourself while you navigate the inevitable ups and downs of dating.
It begins with being Anchored over Attached which is the choice to root yourself in your own joy and values so you remain steady, no matter what happens with them. Then comes Curiosity over Conquest, meaning the willingness to approach dating as an adventure to be enjoyed, not a game to be won. The third, Presence over Permanence, is about letting go of the need to know where it’s all going, and instead enjoying the connection that exists right now. The fourth, Freedom over Force, is the understanding that true love can only grow in an atmosphere of choice, never control. And finally, Respect over Resentment, is about the dignity of showing up with compassion, letting go of past hurts, and choosing to honor both yourself and others, even when things don’t go as planned!
Individually these five principles stand on their own, but collectively they form what I now call the Slow Dating Ethos—a way of dating (and living) that moves us from feeling disillusioned and disappointed, to feeling joyful and free!
Becoming Her: The Slow Dating Ethos in Action
I used to be the woman who would bend over backwards for men who barely looked my way. Or worse, for men who treated me with outright disregard. I kept thinking that if I could just “love” a little harder, give a little more, do something else, then maybe I’d finally be worthy of the love I most desired.
What I’ve learned over time is that this kind of unrequited affection was only a mirror reflecting the places in myself where I had abandoned my own heart. Becoming the woman I was born to be hasn’t meant turning into someone new. It’s been about reclaiming the parts of myself I lost when I was too busy psychoanalyzing his every move. When I began to date from a place of wholeness instead of woundedness, everything changed. I stopped obsessing and started enjoying the process of getting to know people. Dating became lighter, freer, more enjoyable.
Being a woman capable of slow burn dating requires a radical kind of self-trust. The ability to sit inside uncertainty without being scared that you’re losing your “only chance at love”. To believe that your life is already full, even when your bed is not. To trust that you’re not running out of time. It asks that you have a clear, grounded desire and know what you want. It’s the ability to say, Yes, I want partnership, without needing to force the person in front of you to be the answer. It’s an authentic confidence that allows you to stay open without clinging to others, and to enjoy connecting without demanding the other person never leave you.
Becoming this kind of woman, requires you to have a love affair with solitude. Not just the experience of being single, but of truly being with yourself. Learning what turns you on, what turns you off, meeting your fears and insecurities and desires. It requires you to relax into your own company until true love becomes something you share, not something you demand or beg from others. The more time you spend enjoying your own presence, the less you need anyone else to fill in the gaps.
So, What Kind of Woman Are You?
As I reflected more and more on the question, “What do I need to let go of in order to become the woman I was made to be?” something began to happen. The thoughts, the judgments, the rigid rules of dating—all of it started to fall away, like shedding a dusty old coat. I began to see that all the dating games, outdated societal conditioning and messages telling me who I needed to be, what I needed to do, and how I needed to “show up” in order to be worthy of love were actually blocking me from the very experience I longed for most… Love, joy, and inner freedom.
In that shedding, I realized how desperately I needed to redefine for myself what love truly means. And in the process, I came to know fully and deeply that love is not something to earn, win, or be chosen for. Love is something I am. It is something I give from. And it is something I can recognize easily and freely in others, only when I am tuned into it myself.
I no longer have to psychoanalyze a man’s every move, wonder endlessly whether he wants me, or contort myself into a million different shapes to hold his attention. All I have to do is let go. And in the letting go, I remember that I am already her. Sovereign, magnetic and forever free.
I want to leave you with the same questions that guided me: What do you need to let go of in order to become the woman you already are underneath it all? And how do you want to live this one beautiful life?
