Living in the moment is one of the hardest things for most of us to do. Boy, don’t I know it. And when it comes to dating, living in the moment is often met with a heaping dose of judgment reserved for the “playboys” and the “brazen little hussies” among us. We label it commitment issues. And of course, no one wants to be seen as that.
That’s why this third principle of slow dating, Presence over Permanence, can be hard to stomach and even harder to fully embrace. It’s uncomfortable to sit in the not-knowing. To not have the next step mapped out. But hang with me here! It took me countless mind-bending conversations with dear friends, more than a few Osho and Eckhart books, and hours upon hours on my meditation pillow over the course of several years, to land where I am now. We’ve been conditioned to believe we have to know where things are headed almost immediately. Otherwise, what’s the point?
What I know now is that if you can nail this one, dating suddenly gets a whole lot more relaxed and easy. I, for one, feel lighter and more magnetic. And the wild part is, the more I stop clinging to permanence, the more I feel a sense of permanence anyway. Only this time it’s the kind that feels natural, loving, and totally free.
Missed the intro post on Slow Dating? Read it here.
Why We’re Obsessed with “Where Is This Going?”
It’s a Wednesday afternoon, and I’m face down on my bed in a pile of tears and confusion, checking my phone every five minutes and desperately psychoanalyzing his every move for clues about the future.
We’ve only hung out twice, in a group, but I’m already obsessed. I’m ready to dive in fully, give him my all, and lose myself in the name of love, just like I did with my ex. I’m so desperate to figure out what’s going on in his head that I’ve been texting like a madwoman, peppering him with questions about his views on love, relationships, and, well… me.
He’s always responsive and calm. And yet, the more I communicate, the further away he feels. The more desperate and needy I feel. Months later, I finally break. Through tears, I send the message, I don’t know where I stand with you! His reply stops me cold. Candis, I like you. But this whole experience with you has been kind of stressful. If we can just enjoy today, we’ll enjoy tomorrow too.
I’m stunned. Not only because stressing people out is the opposite of the person I believe myself to be, but because his words linger. If we can enjoy today, we’ll enjoy tomorrow too. There’s something in that—the juiciness in today and the freedom in not worrying about tomorrow. The beauty in the mystery of the moment and how alive it feels to watch it unfold.
Conceptually? Delightful. In reality? Knowing he likes me isn’t enough. I’m still spiraling about what’s going to happen tomorrow and whether we’re going to “wind up together in the end.” That obsession is basically putting today in a chokehold and slowly strangling any chance of enjoying tomorrow.
Not knowing is brutal… Especially when we’ve got the whole Pinterest board in our heads—a partner, the wedding, the kids, the thriving sex life. But the second we start future-tripping, or pressuring the person in front of us for answers they don’t even have yet, we’ve sucked all the oxygen out of the room. If there’s one question that can kill the buzz of a fresh connection faster than a bad Hinge opener, it’s Where is this going? Especially when the poor soul you’re asking has only known you for, like, eight weeks and half of those were spent texting.
We ask it in a hundred different ways. Sometimes straight out loud, sometimes over cocktails at girls’ night, and sometimes on a constant loop in our own heads. We do this because not knowing feels dangerous. We’ve been taught to treat uncertainty like it’s a problem to be solved, not a mystery to be lived. We’ve been told to make things as secure as possible, as quickly as possible. To lock it down, define it, label it fast because that’s where “safety” supposedly lives.
After you’ve been on enough bad dates, dead-end situationships, or had your heart broken one too many times, your brain wants to protect from more pain. It wants the guarantees and labels that will finally let you take a sigh of relief. But the moment you shift from genuinely connecting with someone to constantly trying to predict the future, you’re not truly in the relationship anymore.
Slow dating invites us to hush the parts of ourselves that are desperate to know what’s next and instead drop fully into what’s happening right now. Because the present moment is where true love actually lives and where the possibility of real connection blossoms. And if you keep skipping ahead to the final chapter, you miss the best scenes in the whole damn story.
How to Practice Presence While Dating
Presence is one of those things you can only experience by not thinking about it. It’s when you’re fully enjoying life for what it is in this moment and not begging it to be anything more, or different, or “better.” When you’re not analyzing the situation from every angle.
Sounds simple enough, but it can feel virtually impossible when you’re dating. We want to secure love for ourselves, and with each new person, we keep thinking, Maybe this is the one. Maybe, at long last, I’ve found my everything. And before we know it, we’re living in the future, daydreaming about what’s next.
Trust me, I love a good fantasy. Or a thousand. Ha! But when those daydreams start making us unhappy with what is, they block us from the feeling we’re actually chasing… love. Sometimes we’re so busy longing for the relationship we want that we miss the experience of love that’s available to us right here. Other times, we’re so focused on the potential for a relationship that we overlook the very real signs that this person is not aligned.
Practicing presence over permanence, especially when your mind is seeking security, is no small feat. But over the years, I’ve learned to accept a few realities that help me stay grounded in what’s happening now, even when my brain is busy trying to fast-forward the story.
1. Fully Accept Where You Are In Each Moment—And Be Open to Your Evolution
Today, you want what you want. Great! Tomorrow, your desires might change, and that’s totally fine too. Human nature is, well… nature. And nature is messy, unpredictable, and somehow completely perfect at the same time. Things are always healing, regenerating, evolving. And so are you.
Nothing stays the same for too long. Our feelings change, our thoughts change, even our ideas about what we want can deepen, or switch lanes entirely, as we gather more information. Change is inevitable. When we stay fully present to our lives, we see the ebb and flow of everything, and we can find joy and freedom in letting go and just riding the waves.
I spent 11 years married, never once imagining I’d get divorced. Then one day, I started dreaming of a love that felt legendary, mutual, lighthearted, aligned, and natural. Something I wasn’t experiencing at the time. So, I ended my marriage and set out to write this new legendary love story. It was going to be me, my man, in our seaside apartment, building an empire together, day in and day out. It was, and still is, a beautiful vision.
But over time, I discovered immense joy in the spaciousness of living alone. Tons of solo adventures, dinner parties with girlfriends, and a vision of partnership that does not mean living on top of each other. A vision that leaves a little room for mystery, passion and desire to grow effortlessly.
The vision of love I conceived while married didn’t disappear. It evolved. My personal beliefs about love have deepened into something I’ve experienced as more expansive, more spiritual, and more playful than I could have imagined back in marriage. And that evolution has been transformative and beautifully life-changing.
What allowed that life-changing transformation to happen within me has been a deep acceptance of the now. And not being attached to my own ideas, or anyone else’s ideas, of how love should be.
When we cling to the person we once were (or think we are!), or insist on holding onto the things we once wanted, we block ourselves from the depth that’s possible when we surrender to the present moment. Accepting your evolving desires, dreams, and quirks without judgment is like giving yourself a permission slip to actually enjoy life. Change isn’t a betrayal of who you are. It’s a natural, beautiful, sometimes hilarious part of being human.
2. Fully Accept Where They are in This Moment—No Makeover Required
We can accept that we’re always changing while also recognizing that wherever we are right now is exactly where we are. No two moments are the same and there’s no promise we’ll be in the same place tomorrow. And that’s exactly why it’s so important to be grateful for this moment!
The same goes for the person in front of us. We can honor their ever-changing nature while also seeing them clearly for who they are today… what they want, how they show up, and what they’re capable of at this moment. There’s no way to predict whether they’ll change tomorrow, whether their goals will align perfectly with ours, or whether they’ll become exactly the person we’ve been daydreaming about.
I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for the person in front of me to “catch up” to me. Hoping they’d evolve into the version I wanted them to be. It’s not that people don’t change (they do!) but sometimes harmony or alignment hasn’t arrived yet. And that’s okay.
When we accept people lovingly for who they are right now, we open the doors to connection evolving naturally, whether that becomes friendship, romance, or something delightfully unexpected. Believe what people show you about their capacity, their desires, and their timing. They’re not a DIY project. If you can’t enjoy them exactly as they are today, you probably won’t enjoy the “upgraded, imaginary” version either.
Acceptance isn’t about settling or lowering your standards. It’s about stepping away from expectation and hope, and actually just enjoying (or saying “see you later!” to..) the person standing in front of you.
3. Fully Accept What’s Between You—And What’s Not.
Maybe you’re soulmates. Maybe it’s a three-date story arc. Either way, it’s part of your life’s highlight reel. These days I try not to miss the magic that’s here now by obsessing over what it might turn into later.
I honestly wonder how many of us have sabotaged opportunities for real connection by demanding to know “what’s next,” refusing to be present with our own ever-changing desires, or clinging so tightly to the fantasy of someone being the One that we can’t even see what they’re actually capable of giving us. In doing so, we miss out on the experiences, and even people, that might align more fully with our lives in the process.
When we accept what’s between us and what isn’t right now, we create space for something genuine to flourish. We relax into the flow of the moment, embrace what’s actually here, and let life reveal the rest without force or pressure. We just have to trust that whatever is meant for us will show up in its own time.
Slow Dating Happens in the Here and Now
I used to think I needed to know what was going to happen tomorrow in order to feel safe and secure. That I had to lock it down, seal the deal, and slap a label on it fast, because that’s where safety lived. But over time, I’ve come to experience that true safety is built in a collection of happy moments… and a few bumpy ones, too. Moments where we acknowledge the fleeting nature of feelings, honor our desire for connection, and choose to engage in another moment together.
Dating is uncertain. And what if the only way to truly love others and to experience dating fully, is to embrace the now? To savor the joy of slowly unfolding connections that feel alive, mysterious, and evolving? What if, by leaning into slow-burn dating, we actually create more safety, more sexiness, more joy… and more juice?
I told you that Presence Over Permanence was going to be a hard one to grasp. That’s because you can’t truly experience it by thinking too hard! You simply have to live the moment fully, know yourself completely, and embrace the mystery that it is. That’s what slow dating is all about.
If you’re new here, this post is part of an ongoing series I’m writing on Slow Dating, which you can explore more about [here]. This isn’t just a dating method, it’s a way of being.
Next week, I’ll be diving into the fourth principle of slow dating which is Freedom Over Force. It’s a beautiful, natural extension of what we’ve discussed in this post. This whole exploration of slow dating has been so fun and illuminating, and it always brings me back to the same question: How can I live a more loving, joyful, and romantic life, no matter who’s in the picture?
So, what are your thoughts on living in the present moment in dating? Let me know in the comments below.
