At 35, I found myself single for the first time in my adult life. After a 12-year relationship, a marriage, and a move across the world from Australia to the United States, I was suddenly standing solo.
He was the only man I had ever really known, the foundation of my adulthood. But, by the time I walked out the door, I felt like I had given everything I could—like so many other women who have stood at the end of a long relationship, depleted but resolute. I was convinced I was already healed—I had been “doing the work” long before I left. But then, I found myself crashing emotionally into another man—seeking comfort, validation, something to anchor me in the unfamiliar waters of solitude. That heartbreak compounded the first, revealing just how much I still had to process.
Time moved differently in those early months. A single week stretched into eternity, and a month felt like a lifetime. Looking back, I see now that I had deluded myself into thinking I was okay—that I really knew how to move on from the breakup. But really, there was a lingering attachment, a deep discomfort in no longer having someone always available to me.
A friend recently commented that I had bounced back quickly, and I told her, “Well, I always felt I belonged to myself.” But did I really know myself outside of a relationship? In many ways, I was still discovering just how intertwined my life had been with another, how even in the unhappiest moments, the relationship had been a constant presence. I needed to learn how to reclaim my power and cultivate self-love after the divorce. But it was a process that took significantly longer than expected. So, how did I eventually find myself again after divorce?
How to Heal Emotionally After a Breakup: The 4 Transformational Steps I Took
1. I Processed Grief by Letting Myself Feel Everything.
For a long time, I had avoided the pain. I knew our relationship was slowly dying, but I feared confronting it because I wasn’t sure I could handle the emotional grief of it being over. That fear kept me stuck. But a few months before I finally spoke the words that put our breakup into motion, I went on a solo trip to Tulum. There, in the middle of the jungle, I participated in a Temezcal ceremony—essentially a sweat lodge experience, where I found myself in a pitch-black, clay dome with 20 strangers, gasping for air as the heat pressed down on us.
As I sat there, overwhelmed by fear and suffocation, a kind stranger and the shaman leading the ceremony guided me to let go. To stop gripping onto my overwhelming thoughts. To let my body lead. And in that moment, I learned something powerful: when I fully accept my emotions—when I cry, scream, roll around, grieve without judgment—I access a sense of freedom. My body became my tool for healing. I learned to trust it, to move through pain rather than resist it.
2. I Reconnected With My Body and Embraced My Sensuality
Growing up in a religious environment, I had long been disconnected from my body and sexuality. Even in private, I would judge myself for moving sensually. But after my divorce, I knew I had to reclaim this part of me. I started working with a tantra coach who helped me embrace my emotions and feminine energy in a way I never had before. I learned that my sensuality was mine—it wasn’t performative, it wasn’t for the gaze of others, and it wasn’t something to suppress. It was a sacred part of my being.
I danced barefoot in my living room. I let the music move through me, remembering that I had always had rhythm—I had just forgotten. I slowly started dating, not with the goal of finding another relationship, but simply to enjoy the presence of the masculine. I learned to lean back, to receive, to let myself be taken care of. I learned what it means to be a woman in her full, unapologetic power.
3. I Tapped Into the Power of Female Friendships
One of my most cherished memories from those early days of singlehood was a night when my friend Kate checked in on me. At the time, I hadn’t told anyone that my ex and I were breaking up for good, but she knew things had been tough. That night, I was sitting in my lingerie, drinking red wine (which I rarely drink), and watching Magic Mike alone in my apartment. My ex, meanwhile, had taken an impromptu trip to the North Pole—yes, really—as our marriage came to an end.
Kate FaceTimed me, and for the first time, I let a friend see me in my raw, unfiltered vulnerability. Tears streaming down my face, I told her everything. And instead of trying to fix it or offer solutions, she simply held space for me. She saw me. And in that moment, I realized something profound: I was fully loved by life, by friendship, by something much greater than a romantic relationship. That legendary love was already within and around me.
4. I Learned How to Find Joy and Romance in Single Life
In the wake of a long relationship, it’s easy to wonder: Will I ever experience love again? Near the end of my marriage, I had written a Legendary Love letter, declaring everything I wanted to experience in love with a future partner. And for a year or so after my breakup, I searched frantically for that love in others, believing that romance could only exist within a relationship.
But then, I discovered something life-changing: romance is everywhere. It’s in the way a rose bends and twists, its colors and scent intoxicating. It’s in the warmth of the sand beneath my feet, the soft glow of morning light hitting the palm trees. It’s in a night out dancing, the soft fabric of my dress hugging my hips, the sweetness of a cocktail, the shimmer of a disco ball casting magic across the floor. It’s in my solo Sunday mornings, wandering the backstreets of South Beach, savoring caramelized pear and brie crepes at my favorite café.
Romance is in the way I make chocolate in my kitchen, in the candlelit baths I take, in the oversized pillows and chunky throws I sink into at night. Romance is in the way I surrender to life—embracing its mystery, its ever-changing nature, its quiet devotion to my joy. By cultivating self-love after divorce, embracing singlehood, and finding the romance in everyday life, I have discovered a profound sense of healing and renewal. In this journey, I have come home to myself, feeling deeply at peace in my own presence.
The Beauty of Rebuilding After a Breakup
Healing from heartbreak is not linear. It’s a dance—sometimes slow, sometimes chaotic, sometimes breathtakingly beautiful. But what I know now is this: the greatest love I will ever experience is the one I cultivate within myself.
And from that place of self-love, self-trust, and deep reverence for the present moment, I have rebuilt a life more romantic, more nourishing, and more full of beauty than I ever could have imagined.
So, tell me: What has been helping you heal from heartbreak? Share your experience in the comments below—I’d love to hear your story.
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